Random Nonsense

Life On The Gridiron: #FootballProblems


By Don Sims

Each Sunday in autumn, every red-blooded man and woman across the nation takes to their nearest stadium, sports bar, 72-inch plasma screen TV to watch their team do battle between a healthy serving of commercials for beer and trucks. According to Nielsen, more than 100 million Americans flock to the TV to watch the Super Bowl annually, leaving the rest of us wondering what the other two of every three folks in this country are doing. Being a football fan isn’t always wine and roses, however, and not just if you happen to be one of the endangered-species Jacksonville fans. There’s a whole world of problems out there: #footballproblems.

Talking With Europeans About “Football”

Ok, yes, we know. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. It’s big in every country and the NFL only comes into play in the US—and maybe Canada, eh. But that doesn’t give anyone, least of all snooty Euros, the right to call soccer “football.” After all, the inventors of the game called it soccer themselves, according to SoccerLens. What to know what the inventors of football called it? Football. No ambiguity. Your “football” is soccer, our football is football. Deal with it, Europe.

Casual Friday Doesn’t Extend To Cheeseheads

Wearing the jersey of your team is a time-honored tradition; before a game to symbolize your faith, after a game to enforce your bragging rights. Yet for all the various fashion trends to be adopted in the workplace (Crocs… really?), NFL jerseys have yet to catch on. When you go to Macy’s to look for a great deal, you’ll find plenty of shoes, slacks, suits and even engagement rings galore. But does any retail store have a mint-condition Superbowl XXXIII ring autographed by John Elway to put on your wife’s finger? Only if you walk in wearing it.

John Madden Doesn’t Do Any More Broadcasts

Oh, John Madden, how we love thee. In the words of Frank Caliendo, John Madden explains things we already know. He makes us feel smarter, as football fans, when often we feel stupid like when we try to explain the difference between a zone blitz and a cover 2. His retirement from NFL broadcasting will forever leave a hole in the broadcasting booth, and no matter how many times Bob Costas inappropriately injects his political views into a commentary, it just won’t fill the void.

The Sunday Night Football Theme Lasts Longer Than The Game

Carrie Underwood has one thing correct when she belts out NBC’s intro song: we have been waiting all week for Sunday night. The only problem is that she makes us wait a lot longer. Operas take less time to finish than the Sunday theme song. Empires rise and fall before she hits the guitar solo. Clouds of interstellar gas form into stars that collapse into black holes before the last riff. Yes, Carrie, we enjoy looking at you, and some of us even enjoy listening to you. But please, don’t push it.

Don Sims is a sports enthusiast from Dallas.

Categories: Random Nonsense

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