It’s late but instead of doing usual deluge of Halloween football costumes; we’re going into another realm…sitcom TV. Specifically, it is time to attack Katie Holmes’ appearance of How I Met Your Mother on Halloween night as the “Slutty Pumpkin”. Since the show is a rapid 30 minutes, this will be done in live blog form versus a typical TV review.

I think it’s best to handle it this way because I have some pent up rage regarding Ted Mosby.

To those who have never watched How I Met Your Mother before, here is a quick rundown of the show’s cast of characters:

Ted Mosby – The beta male architect, who the show is based around. Ted’s character is narrated by Bob Saget in future tense. Thus, we are on a never-ending search for his future wife, who we are going to meet one day through storytelling. Unfortunately, we’re not even close to finding out the identity of the mom.

Barney Stinson – The show’s alpha male, who tries to sleep with any woman on the show, except for Lily Aldrin-Eriksen. He just wants to see her nude.

Robin Scherbatsky – The delicious Canadian, who was known as Robin Sparkles during her teenage days. Her most notable show contribution is being the ex-girlfriend of both Ted and Barney.

Marshall Eriksen – Ted’s college buddy

Lily Aldrin-Eriksen – Marshall’s dutiful and now-pregnant wife, who is always attempting to stir things up.

11:29 – And we’re off…

11:30 – The show starts off with Robin revealing to Barney that his long-lost father (played by John Lithgow last season) has Canadian blood flowing through his veins because Grandma Stinson was born in Manitoba. Barney screams like a five-year-old girl and runs out of the room. This is notable because this is a part of Robin’s ongoing quest to bed Barney once again; claiming that they both share a similar Canadian bond is a decent, but flawed start.

11:33 – That segues into Ted’s story of how he met the girl dressed in a “Slutty Pumpkin” outfit. He met her 10 years ago and after spotting the costume in a Halloween store, Ted did what any creeper would do; he sought out her address from the store and confronted the “Slutty Pumpkin” played by the exquisite Katie Homes. She is equally impressed that Ted went into stalker mode to find her.

11:34 – Lily and Marshall visit the grandparents. SNOOOOZE.

11:35 – So, in a tremendous bit of flawed logic, Katie’s character, Naomi, agrees to a date with Ted after seeing him for the first time in a decade. Our friend Mosby takes her to the same place they met 10 years ago; an apartment building rooftop. As they talk over some fine and food, Naomi begins singing the song that played when she originally met Ted…

Oh great Odin’s raven, I loathe that song. It’s one of the campiest songs in the last 25 years. Apparently, Ted hates it too. He cuts off Naomi mid-lyric to kiss her, which earns his complete and utter disappointment.

11:36 – Katie Holmes appears on HIMYM and so does the trailer of her new movie, Jack and Jill, with Jesse James’ long-lost cousin Adam Sandler.

11:37 – Lily and Marshall announce they are moving to the suburbs in a deal that was sealed with the Red Rifle’s grandparents earlier in the show. Robin disagrees with the move and informs Marshall that his wife is suffering from pregnancy brain. That is code for her being a moron.

11:39 – Ted tells the group about the date with Naomi. Mosby goes into beginner’s level Jack Tripper mode and doesn’t know how to hold her hand or touch her. What a clown. He also alerts the group to kissing her eyeball. Ted’s character is rapidly infuriating. Meanwhile, Robin plants whiskey from Canada on Barney and converts his American money into Canadian currency. Nope, she doesn’t want to sleep with him. Not one bit.

11:41 – Time for Ted and Naomi, the sequel. After a painful makeout session, she goes right back to the Barenaked Ladies and plays “One Week” from her iPod, while suggesting they make love to it. Then, our beloved Katie starts wagging her hindquarter as she hits the “Chickity China, the Chinese chicken” line and crawls to Ted, who scurries away to the bathroom, only to end up talking to the 15-year-old version of himself. The scene ends with her verbalizing her enjoyment over caressing Ted’s hair. Wow. The creepy level on that scene needed to be left back in 1975.

11:42 – The group kindly encourages Ted to break up with Naomi since he doesn’t like anything that she does. How novel of them.

11:44 – Lily informs Marshall that her “pregnancy brain” was all a ploy to get to the suburbs. Great. Now we have two clowns on the show.

11:45 – Ted and his Chuck Taylors arrive to break up with Naomi, who is now decked out in the Slutty Pumpkin outfit. She presents him with the same “hanging chad” costume he wore 10 years earlier. Of course, instead of watered down Jack Tripper breaking up with her, he says, “I love you.” Mosby enters new levels of relationship incompetence on a weekly basis.

11:50 – Halloween party time arrives…Robin is dressed as a Vancouver Canuck, and Barney, who was supposed to be a Mountie (as per the request of fellow Canadian), shows up as Apollo Creed with James Brown’s “Living In America” playing in the background. Meanwhile, back in the suburbs, Lily uses a pinball machine Marshall can have if he agrees to the move as a euphemism for anal sex. Man, she plays dirty.

11:51 – Ted and Naomi arrive to the party. Robin gets upset after finding out that Ted had meaningless sex with the SP and then she levels Barney with a crosscheck as well since he approved Schmosby’s actions. ATTENTION GENTLEMEN: Whenever your ex-girlfriend hits you with a hockey stick and continues to mettle in your love life for no apparent reason, that means she is not quite over you.

11:53 – Pregnancy brain attacks Lily in a vicious manner. Instead of giving candy to kids, she gives them a stapler, bottle of wine, and a pair of scissors. As a result, they decide to put the suburbs on hold. City it is.

11:54 – Naomi digs into her inner Joey Potter and dumps Ted. She blames it on a lack of chemistry (much like Ted promoted throughout the show). Her side of it portrays Ted as even a bigger bumbling idiot than we imagined. As is the case with guest stars on occasion, Holmes gets the last laugh by doing the dumping. It was an offspring of the “Joey dumps Dawson” scene in Season 2 of Dawson’s Creek. In other words, after waiting a decade to see him, she got her dream and it didn’t live up to her expectations.

11:57 – Our tale ends with Ted being alone and  longing after another hot chick…again.

SYNOPSIS: Katie was basically used as a piece to advance the burgeoning Barney-Robin-Ted love triangle. Basically, Ted is going to strike out with nearly every female in New York City before realizing that maybe he should try with Robin again. Meanwhile, Robin will not stop until Barney is sipping Labatt’s Blue and watching the Canucks on NHL Season Pass. Conversely, none of that is likely to be accomplished with Barney dating Nora.

As for the great Katie Holmes, this was 30 minutes of her career that she can’t get back. She made Mosby look bad though, which I’m all for at this point. He would belong on the list of my most despised TV characters ever, if I ever created such an entity.

Somehow, he makes Tripper and Dawson Leery look like Clint Eastwood.

The moral of tonight’s show was relatively simple; if you’re out there lusting over someone you met once 10 years ago after they put their phone number on the back of a Kit-Kat wrapper you misplaced, something is wrong.

In fact, perhaps admission into some sort of mental health facility is necessary.