Random Nonsense

Anne Hathaway, The Oscars, & NFL Fandom

Sunday night marked the 83rd Academy Awards, hosted by Yale student James Franco and newly-minted Philadelphia Eagles fan Anne Hathaway.

As seen above, Hathaway was recently seen sporting a 2010 Philadelphia Eagles NFC East champions cap.

Since Hathaway is an Eagles fan, we will assign an actress fan to each of the NFL’s 32 franchises.

Let the games begin…

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Angelina Jolie: Both properties love the limelight and are always about putting on a show. Also, both have an amazing propensity of drawing the ire of the general public/Jennifer Aniston.

Washington Redskins – Katie Holmes: She actually showed up to a Redskins game in 2006 with Tom Cruise because of the couple’s relationship with owner Daniel Snyder. Both Cruise and the Redskins were far more popular in the 80s and in the case of Holmes, the late 90s. Meanwhile, Holmes was advancing through elementary school during this same period.

Philadelphia Eagles – Hathaway: Scrappy, raw, and somewhat underrated; never won the ultimate prize (Oscar/Super Bowl).

New York Giants – Meryl Streep: The Giants and Streep both excelled in important moments. The Giants own three Super Bowl trophies but since they beat the 18-0 Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, that should count as two, no? Streep eats the Academy Award’s Best Actress category for breakfast, winning twice and being nominated a record 13 times. Both are traditional, classic, and probably would be loathed in Philadelphia.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers – Natalie Portman: Thanks to her Oscar win for Black Swan, she joins Aaron Rodgers amongst the young, hip high-achiever crowd. Also, she sports a pretty good pedigree like the Packers. 

Chicago Bears – Jodi Foster: Not a year-in, year-out, winner but can occasionally still bring it from time to time; Known best for spectacular singular achievements (’85 Bears, The Accused). 

Minnesota Vikings – Annette Bening: Each has suffered powered outages in the big game. Bening is 0-3 at the Oscars, while the Vikings are 0-4 in the Super Bowl and have endured painful NFC title games losses in their last four visits (’87, ’98, ’00, ’09).

Detroit Lions – Lindsay Lohan: Once respected, now perspective doormats of their industries; loaded with talent but just can’t put it together.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Ellen Page: Best associated with the film Juno, Page ran into a brick wall at the Oscars while facing Julie Christie, Cate Blanchett, Laura Linney, and Marion Cotillard in the Best Actress category in ’08. Atlanta’s greatest hit came via the Dirty Bird and the ’98 Falcons, who were sacrificed at the altar of John Elway’s Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXXIII.

Carolina Panthers – Kristin Scott-Thomas: The Panthers gave NFL fans an exceptional playoff run in the franchise’s second year and one of the greatest Super Bowl efforts ever in a loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXVIII. They also gave us many seasons of underachieving and former XFL player Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Scott-Thomas starred in The English Patient, a critically acclaimed film. However, she also was the lead actress in 1986’s Under The Cherry Moon, with Prince. I liked it but I’m guessing many did not.

New Orleans Saints – Reese Witherspoon: The 34-year-old Witherspoon received the Best Actress Oscar for Walk The Line, which remains the only time she was nominated for an Academy Award. Meanwhile, New Orleans played in only one Super Bowl, a 31-17 win over the Colts following the 2009 season.

Tampa Bay Bucs – Kathy Bates: Better single season defense? The 2002 Bucs or Bates against James Caan in Misery? I take Bates over Derrick Brooks and Warren Sapp. After all, she all but chopped off Caan’s feet.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Faye Dunaway: I know what you’re thinking. The Cardinals have never won a Super Bowl, while Dunaway owns a Best Actress Oscar nod for Network. This is true but the Cards actually own two NFL titles. Ok, I’m not going to lie. This is all a front to jam in a Mommie Dearest reference. NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!!!

St. Louis Rams – Cher: The singer/briefly turned actress enjoyed a meteoric rise to the top of the acting profession, winning the Best Actress Oscar for 1987’s Moonstruck. Kurt Warner went from supermarket employee to Super Bowl MVP in a comparable rise to deliver St. Louis its lone Vince Lombardi Trophy. 

San Francisco 49ersTalia Shire: While we are years removed from their successes, the Niners delivered five Super Bowl rings and the Joe Montana/Steve Young run from 1979 to ’99; between ’72 and ’90, Shire starred in The Godfather trilogy and in the first five Rocky movies.

Seattle Seahawks – Megan Fox: Neither are considered to be at the top of their respective professions, but own intangibles. Seattle has the 12th man; Fox is considered by some to be easy on the eyes.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Glenn Close: Incredibly, Buffalo reached four straight Super Bowls and lost all of them. Close is 0-5 at the Oscars. Buffalo’s no-huddle offense is on par with the devastating nature of Close’s Alex Forest character in Fatal Attraction.

Miami Dolphins – Nicole Kidman: She is a stoic, efficient, and successful figure like Miami’s legendary Don Shula. Kidman was nominated for back to back Academy Awards in the Best Actress category in 2001 and 2002. Shula’s Dolphins won back to back Super Bowls in ’72 and ’73.

New England Patriots – Hilary Swank: The Pats under Belichick and Swank are both versatile performers. New England’s multiple offensive and defensive looks confused NFL opponents and allowed the Pats to win three Super Bowls in four seasons. The lovely Swank played a female boxer in Millon Dollar Baby and a dude in Boys Don’t Cry to win Best Actress honors twice at the Oscars.

New York Jets – Halle Berry: Jets quarterback Joe Namath and Berry provided landmark moments in their respective fields. Namath guaranteed a Super Bowl III win and delivered; Berry became the first African-American actress to win an Oscar for Best Actress. 

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – Julia Roberts: Baltimore’s 2000 defense equals Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Cincinnati Bengals – Diane Lane: Just like the Bengals in the early and late 80s were often overlooked thanks to Montana’s 49ers, Lane falls under the same category. Unfaithful anyone?

Cleveland Browns – Sex In The City cast: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis, Kim Cattrall, and Cynthia Nixon were all honored (or dishonored depending on your perspective) over the weekend for winning a Razzie for Sex In The City 2. Their 15 minutes of fame might be up. Once powerful…now, not so much.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Katharine Hepburn: No modern actress stacks up so we have to go back into the time machine. The Steelers are one of sports’ most notable and successful franchises. They reek of tradition with six Super Bowl rings in eight Super Sunday appearances. The late Hepburn won Best Actress four times and was nominated 12 times.

AFC South

Houston Texans – Scarlett Johansson: The Texans are best suited for fantasy football with Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson as two of the franchise’s flagship players. Johansson and the phrase “critically acclaimed” don’t often appear together. After busting onto the scene with Lost In Translation, she is perhaps most notable for being a sex symbol. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Kristen Stewart: I don’t understand the whole Twilight thing and she seems to play similar roles (i.e. a young, mentally tortured pretty girl with problems). The Jags typically play the young, mentally tortured team with problems. They’ve never appeared in a Super Bowl.

Indianapolis Colts – Gweynth Paltrow: Still relevant and historically, a proven winner. She walks the fine line between campy/dorky/cool…just like the Colts.

Tennessee Titans – Jessica Alba: Houston/Tennessee’s franchise history is dotted with near-great teams and several stat monsters at skill positions (see Warren Moon, Earl Campbell, Chris Johnson, and Charlie Hennigan). Alba is another actress best known for her looks instead of her acting chops.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Charlize Theron: John Elway turned over the offensive reigns to Terrell Davis with Denver’s back to back Super Bowl runs in ’97 and ’98. Theron is certainly familiar with changing her game. Typically playing an on-screen siren, she morphed into a serial-killing, ex-prostitute for the award-winning Monster.

Kansas City Chiefs – Helen Mirren: Historically important figures to film and football. I would enjoy seeing Mirren perform the chop at Arrowhead.

Oakland Raiders – Sharon Stone: The Raiders and Stone were both edgy figures in their heyday. However, time has not been kind to them. The Raiders have been routinely dreadful since 2003. Stone’s career flatlined at Basic Instinct 2. Clearly, well past their peak, both are always fun for a trip down memory lane though.

San Diego Chargers – Julianne Moore: Paired with back-breaking losses through the early 80s and in the mid to late ’00s, the Chargers disappointed repeatedly despite having some great teams. Moore starred in a few outstanding films including Boogie Nights and Far From Heaven but is 0-3 at the Oscars. Poor girl.

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