It’s Valentine’s Day. What better way to commemorate the day on the blog by reliving one of the most nauseating rom-coms of the 2000s? In all seriousness, it’s a decent flick…except for the whole Summer Finn experience.
Let’s make a rare JMRA venture into the world of film by slicing and dicing the 2009 film, (500) Days of Summer.
0:40 – The concept of this movie is cool. They jump around the 500 days of the relationship between do-gooder Tom (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (played by Zooey Deschanel).
2:34 – We hear that Tom believes in the theory of “the one.” Superb. Good thing we’re not friends.
4:00 – The movie jumps to day #290, where Tom’s sister is summoned to see him due to a breakup with Summer. Tom is breaking plates in his kitchen. Of course, his incompetent friends can’t stop him, so the logical thing to do is to call someone who isn’t of age to drive a car yet. Strike one. Tom is saddled with lousy friends.
6:25 – They skip through the relationship to this point and stop at a diner scene where the two scuffle through an argument. Tom walks out and Summer yells to him “you’re still my best friend.” Hahaha, you fool.
7:05 – We move to day #1…at Tom’s job. He helps craft ideas for greeting cards. Is there a college major for that? During a meeting, Tom first sets his eyes on Summer, the company’s newest employee.
8:41 – We learn the story of Summer. It boils down to her making silly putty out of nearly every man she has met since she was in high school.
9:40 – Tom’s best friend alerts him that Summer is a biznatch. Their discussion centers on pretty women treating people like crap. Great. Nothing beats a gross stereotype and generalization. Did I mention his friends are awful?
10:00 – Tom and Summer talk on the elevator in day #4. He is in stealth mode with his headphones on and listening to The Smiths. Summer mentions her love of the band and starts singing a few bars. Tom has now fallen in love. ALERT! JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN LIKES THE SAME BAND AS YOU, DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE SOUL MATES. Just wanted to make that clear.
10:48 – An office party brings us to day #8…Summer asks Tom what he really wants to do for a living for real. He mentions his enjoyment of architecture. “What happened there…” she says. This is code for “Tom, you’re a loser but you seem to be a nice enough guy. I’ll keep you around.”
13:30 – We move ahead to #154. Tom says he is in love with Summer. He loves her eyes, hair, birth mark, laugh, and knobby knees. Pardon me as I put my fist into a ball. This sounds like a stalker describing his prey.
14:20 – Back to #11. Tom’s sister, who is easily the star of the first 15 minutes, informs big brother that just because they share the same interest does not mean they are meant to be. Tom thinks to himself “No. You’re wrong! We both like cheeseburgers with relish, mustard, onions, and a dash of pepper. She is the one!” That sounds idiotic, right?
14:47 – Day #22. Tom informs his friends that things are off with Summer. Why? Because Summer said her weekend was “gooooood” when he asked her. Tom’s interpretation of her reply…she had sex with some guy over the weekend. Dope. Anyhow, Tom’s thought process is expedited when he plays The Smiths loudly on his computer from iTunes as she walks out of the office. She fails to notice. Wow, can’t believe that one.
16:50 – Onto #27. Tom is informed of a Karaoke party for the office…and is highly encouraged to attend because Summer will be there.
18:00 – I don’t know what Summer is singing but I don’t like it.
19:15 – Uh oh. Here comes some drunk talk between Tom’s buddy McKenzie and Summer with Tom sitting right next to him.
“So, you have a boyfriend.”
“Because I don’t want one.”
Nothing like having your drunk best friend ask questions because you’re too chicken to do it.
Anyhow, Summer claims she doesn’t feel comfortable being in a girlfriend role. “We’re young” and so on. Tom asks what she would do if she found love. Ah, this is going to be gruesome.
22:50 – A three sheets to the wind McKenzie alerts Summer that Tom likes her…with Tom standing right there. Again, I’ll give Tom a partial pass so far. His friends are just brutal. Summer says to Tom that she just wants to be friends. He complies.
Meanwhile, there is a moment where Summer is obviously waiting for Tom to kiss her. What does he do? He just stares at her. Doesn’t do anything. She stood there for about nine seconds (I counted). There she goes into the night…
Nearly 30 minutes in and Tom is to dating what JaMarcus Russell is to quarterbacking.
25:30 – Day #31…While in the copier room at work, Summer walks up to Tom and starts making out with him. Wow. That’s a great friendship. Tom is confused but manages to get her back to his place.
26:12 – In case I haven’t mentioned it, Tom’s friends are embarrassing.
27:20 – Day #34…Tom and Summer head to IKEA (product placement!) and are playing out what it would be like if they lived together. Tom and Summer make out some more. Uh oh…here comes the talk. Summer says she is not looking for anything serious. Again, Tom agrees.
At this point, he clearly is in the always deadly “this is better than nothing” mode.
31:00 – Sensing that this about to head down a bizarre road, Tom interrupts the make-out session back at his apartment to go into the bathroom and convince himself that this is still a casual relationship. On cue he walks out of the bathroom and Summer is lying on his bed…naked. Well, it would look foolish to call an audible at the line now. This is a layup…even for Tom.
31:25 – Now, we are getting somewhere…the sequence that might set men back by a decade…Tom celebrates closing the deal with Summer by dancing to the Hall & Oates hit, “You Make My Dreams Come True.” If he ever had any street cred, it’s gone. No offense Darryl and John.
33:27 – We move to #303…a rejuvenated Tom is replaced by an emo, disheveled mess, who apparently has been dumped by Summer. She wishes (in an e-mail) that they still can remain friends. I’ve never quite understood this phenomenon. Women who breakup with guys still think they can maintain some sort of friendship. Ladies, it doesn’t quite work that way.
35:20 – Day #87…Summer persuades Tom to rent a porn flick. After watching it, they decide to reenact a scene in the shower. Gulp. This is going to end in a hideous car crash.
37:39 – Awww, he is creating an architecture drawing on her arm. Buildings. I hope it’s in permanent marker.
39:20 – #109. Tom is in her apartment. Evidently, this is the first time. How is this possible after 109 days? He should have been in there a lot sooner, no?
40:15 – She drops the “I’ve never told anybody that before” line on him. He responds with “I guess I’m not just anybody.” Summer’s character would be enjoyable if she wasn’t a complete manipulator. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tom tells his fellas that they aren’t labeling the relationship. Uh huh. Correction sir. She is not labeling it.
41:24 – Tom’s little sister reappears to drop knowledge while she’s playing an organized soccer game. She correctly states that Tom should ask about the labeling situation just for his own clarification. Her last words to big brother…”Look, it’s easy Tom. Just don’t be a p***y.” This girl is on it.
43:00 – He questions Summer about the direction of the relationship. Her response: “who cares.” Once again, Tom drops it once she bats her eyes. I probably would have tried to fight this guy if I met him in middle school. Even Ted Mosby thinks this is Charmin soft.
43:51 – Onto #251…So, Captain Alpha Male walks in to try to steal Summer away from Tom while they have a drink at a bar. C.A.M. insists on buying her drink (probably not the best idea, since it appears he’s trying to buy her interest) in his own blowhard way. Summer declines multiple times. Tom and C.A.M. trade punches….cue the issues.
46:35 – Back at Summer’s apartment, she tries the “we’re just friends” act. Tom is not having it. He calls her out for the repeated kissing and shower sex. It took nearly an hour but Tom shows some intestinal fortitude by putting Summer in her place! Don’t worry, I’m sure it will not last long.
48:25 – Oh, lookeee here! Summer heads back to Tom’s place in the middle of the night to apologize for her conduct. Cue more making-out and a sleepover.
51:35 – The duo shouts about male genitalia in a park. Quick question…if Summer told Tom to jump off the Grand Canyon, would he do it? My guess is yes.
53:10 – We move forward to #314 and more depressed Tom. He is watching a black and white film with subtitles and imaging himself as the star. Yep. He’s a lunatic.
55:24 – More depressing Tom. His work performance is negatively affected over Summer. Lame.
57:39 – Day #322 finds Tom discussing how much he hates Summer…dumb smile, dumb knees, dumb hair, etc.
57:51 – Tom meets Allison, a lovely redhead, on a blind date in #345. Right off the bat, he tells her this isn’t going anywhere. Yeah buddy, great decision. I’m sure he’ll meet another attractive, well-educated woman that went to an Ivy League school. Those are hanging off of trees in this flick.
1:01:05 – #402. After falling off the grid, Summer reappears on a train en route to a former coworker’s wedding. Unfortunately, our tragic hero is on the same train and heading to same ceremony. He appears ready to rekindle their feelings. Cue the sappy and uplifting alternative rock music.
1:03:56 – At least this film had the common sense to include Feist on its soundtrack. Kudos.
1:05:10 – Oh man. They’re doing shots and dancing at a wedding. Summer invites Tom to a party on Friday at her home. It’s all turning up roses for our boy. He can’t possibly screw this one up. No way…this is a Baron Davis slam dunk.
1:07:40 – Tom rolls into Summer’s party as if he is going to treat it like he is Joe Montana hammering the Broncos in Super Bowl XXIV. Not so fast though, Summer continues to subtly pistol-whip Tom for being a greeting card writer and not an architect.
1:09:52 – Hold on playa. Summer is engaged and is showing off the ring to a friend. Tom sees it and retreats with the quickness. Yes, Tom’s “soul mate” invited him to what amounted to her own engagement party. Just a deplorable act. I hope New Girl gets canceled based on that alone. I guess that’s what Tom gets for wearing Pumas with a suit to a party.
1:10:03 – Who in the blue hell does this woman think she is? She is committing crimes against humanity.
1:11:19 – Based off of Tom’s reaction to this in #440, he lives off of Twinkies, Jack Daniels, and orange juice. I’m sure that isn’t even on the Michael Phelps diet.
1:14:41 – Tom quits his job essentially due to depression but also realizes that his greeting card work is nothing more than a charade and poisoning the world. Well, overdramatic but true.
1:19:20 – #456-#476…The rebirth of “Tom the Engineer” 2.0 is featured…but so is something that appears to be Summer’s wedding. I hope the guy made her sign a pre-nup. So, incredibly in this 500 day span, she gets married to someone else. What an awful human.
1:21:54 – Newlywed Summer runs into Tom at the park. He asks why she made him look like a fool. Summer basically says he wasn’t good enough. Tom turns this into something cordial. He should have walked out. I’ll never understand why he could have a conversation after all the nonsense.
1:26:26 – She grabs his hand. Disgraceful. Tom, show some self-dignity. They part and he wishes her well. That’s admirable and all but she totally didn’t deserve that.
1:27:10 – If given the choice between having lunch with Summer and Annie Wilkes from Misery, I’m going with Annie. I’ll roll the dice that my feet will stay intact.
1:27:07 – Finally, we arrive to #500. Tom is going in for a job interview, where he meets his competition, played by Derek Jeter’s favorite actress, Minka Kelly.
1:29:55 – Tom asks Mrs. Jeter out for coffee. She declines…and then, agrees on second thought.
1:30:20 – Mrs. Jeter’s name in the film? Autumn. Of course.
This movie teaches us several lessons:
- The concept of “soul mates” sounds like an R&B album from the 1950s, not a real idea.
- In the next list of AMI top movie villains, I want Summer to be in top 20. She was a subtle terror.
- At the end of the day, men control their own destiny. Losing a girl shouldn’t lead you to becoming an unemployed wino.
- Tom didn’t declare himself in sound enough fashion. In turn, he got punked by Summer repeatedly.
- Believe it or not, some women want your company, not a relationship.
- If a preteen is able to make better sense out of your life than you can, something is terribly wrong.
Remember fellas. Summer Finns are out there. Beware.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Categories: Random Nonsense