New England Patriots

To Tom Brady, On His 35th Birthday

Friday is an important day in American history.

It marks the 35th birthday of America’s celebrity quarterback, Thomas E. Brady Jr.

Join me on a journey through time (as I choose to interpret it) as we salute the five time three-time Super Bowl champion.

THE WONDER YEARS 

Our first stop is around 1987 with a 10-year-old Thomas as he makes his way around town.

He looks like a kid that enjoyed recess, chocolate milkshakes from McDonald’s, Skittles, Big League Chew, baseball, and syndicated episodes of Three’s Company.

Also, he probably was made fun of at school but it was offset by his belief in Reaganomics.

 JUNÍPERO SERRA & FRIENDS

At some point during the early 90s, the high school version of Brady broke free from the strain of childhood obesity to become a notable baseball and football player in California.

By this point, his tastes begin to change. He dabbles in listening to hip-hop by Ice Cube and Naughty by Nature.

Brady still supports the 49ers despite them getting rid of Joe Montana in favor of Steve Young. Frustrated by San Francisco’s back to back losses to Dallas in the NFC title game, he considers jumping ship to the Raiders in part due to his enjoyment of Cube.

Luckily, the Niners won Super Bowl XXIX. Turncoat status avoided.

Socially, he has got a ways to go. Too nice they say. He gets invited to all of the cool people parties though.

Interestingly enough, he is starting to get this football thing going.

GO BIG BLUE

Young Thomas parlays his high school football career into a role with the University of Michigan as the late 90s approach.

Brady becomes the starting quarterback at Michigan by his junior year but has to deal with head coach Lloyd Carr allowing a competition for the job to ensue with flavor of the month quarterback Drew Henson.

Tom sought advice from Greg Harden to get through tough times.

Music helped him too. Hip-hop was on fire with Biggie, ‘Pac, Snoop, and a host of others. Even after Big and ‘Pac died, they lived on through Brady’s walkman and portable CD player.

At team parties on Saturday nights, he bobbed his head to the latest beats but couldn’t dance a lick. It made him a bit awkward with the ladies. A few of the girls from Delta Gamma put him in the Friends Zone.

Still not much luck in that department.

THE BRADY 6

Brady was just your ordinary college quarterback attending the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis.

No significant prospects to be one of the top quarterbacks selected; hoping that maybe the hometown 49ers would select him, his fears were realized when they took a goat farmer before him.

Nonetheless, after 198 players were selected, Brady’s number finally came up. The New England Patriots selected him in the sixth round. If he worked hard enough, maybe he could become the backup to starter Drew Bledsoe.

Disappointed in his draft positioning, Brady decided to catch a Sunday night viewing of American Psycho starring a promising actor named Christian Bale.

THE CHOSEN ONE 

A string of incredibly fortunate events occur for TB12. Bledsoe meets New York Jets linebacker Mo Lewis. The get-together leads to a collapsed lung for Bledsoe.

Brady steps in to and guides New England to the playoffs. During the postseason, an obscure ruling that nobody ever heard of  allows to Patriots to sneak past Oakland in the snow of Foxborough, Massachusetts and onto the AFC title game.

New England upsets St. Louis to win Super Bowl XXXVI in February 2002. Brady is named MVP and heads off to Disneyworld to celebrate.

On the journey to Disney, Brady pops in a few Britney Spears CDs to pass the time.

THE UNDERDOG BECOMES THE INCUMBENT 

Now a Super Bowl MVP, the ladies are ready to get down with America’s newest star.

Brady strikes up a relationship with Tara Reid in April 2002. In a related note, New England misses the playoffs.

Reid disappears from the scene. In a related, note New England returns to the postseason.

Sensing a theme, Brady decides to double down by burning his DVD copies of American Pie and American Pie 2 prior to the team’s first playoff game against Tennessee.

It works as New England reaches another Super Bowl following the 2003 season.

Along the way, in a rather puzzling move, he takes up with actress Bridget Moynahan, who is seven years older.

It matters little though. Brady is at a metaphorical blackjack table, hitting 21 at every turn.

New England wins Super Bowl XXVIII and XXXIX.

He is now the envy of every quarterback in the world, including Peyton Manning, who Brady drubs on the reg.

THE END OF DAYS

NFL attrition catches up with the Patriots. After winning consecutive Super Bowls, they lose in the AFC playoffs to Denver, ending hopes of a three-peat.

Losing a playoff game to Jake Plummer might cause one to make life-altering decisions. As a result, Brady abandons Team Moynahan in 2006.

News soon trickles out that Moynahan was carrying Mr. Brady’s child at the time of the breakup.

During the ’06 season, Brady is introduced to Gisele Bundchen soon after his break up with Moynahan and subsequently, swears off all other women.

The power of Gisele guides the Pats to the 2006 AFC title game versus Indianapolis. However, misfortune hits New England when Moynahan commandeers an Indianapolis hotel room armed with 53 voodoo dolls dressed as New England Patriots.

While Moynahan’s attention was diverted in the first half due to a call from her agent regarding a role in the upcoming film called The Dark Knight, New England rumbles to a 21-6 first half lead.

With the Patriots drawing closer to another Super Bowl, Moynahan hangs up on her agent and goes to work with the dolls. Peyton Manning and the Colts come back to win 38-34 and advance to Super Bowl XLI.

STAR WARS

The first full season of Gisele yields a new version of the Patriots. Fortified by their loss in the AFC title game, Spygate, pure rage, and Cougar Moynahan giving Brady’s newborn child the initials J.E.T. (in a rather spiteful maneuver), the Patriots enjoy the greatest regular season ever by going 16-0.

TB12 sets an NFL record with 50 touchdown passes to pace the highest scoring offense in league history.

The season’s high-water mark arrives on December 3 when the Patriots knock off Baltimore 27-24 to move to 12-0. Former Miami Dolphins head coach Don Shula was seen hanging out of the ESPN television booth waving aqua blue and orange pom-pons in support of his undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins during the game’s final drive until Brady hit Jabar Gaffney for the winning score.

Despite their ’07 success, postseason tragedy strikes the Patriots. Leading the Giants in Super Bowl XLII late in the fourth quarter by four points, Eli Manning gets away from a wave of Patriots on a critical third-down play.

After receiving aid by six holding calls on the play, Manning punches Pro Bowl defensive tackle Richard Seymour in the groin just before connecting with David Tyree on what is now known as “The Helmet Catch.”

New England’s perfect season ends plays later, 17-14.

18-1.

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM

The next two seasons are wrought with professional disappointment.

Remorseless assassin Bernard Pollard ends Brady’s 2008 campaign in the regular season opener by tearing the two-time Super Bowl MVP’s ACL and MCL.

One year later, a punchless New England squad bows out to Baltimore in the California native’s first home playoff loss.

Not one to accept a declining dynasty with ease, Brady returns with free-flowing locks and a slimmed down jawline. For some reason, he appears to be a cross between himself and David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust.

Androgynous Brady confuses opposing defenses and teammate Randy Moss, who questions his hairstyle. Subsequently, Moss is dealt to Minnesota.

Brady Stardust leads New England to a 14-2 record and wins the 2010 NFL MVP.

Once again though, the Patriots are foiled by a New York team – this time the Jets. In a devious plot, Jets head coach Rex Ryan intentionally films foot fetish videos with his wife weeks earlier to distract opponents.

Wes Welker takes the bait and makes foot jokes during a press conference prior to the game. Soon after, he is reprimanded and is benched for a portion of Jets playoff game.

New England falls 28-21.

Those New Yorkers will do anything for a victory.

DAPPER TOM

Had Tom lost his postseason fastball?

Pondering this question, the Michigan Wolverine did what any quarterback would do in this situation…chop off his hair.

A refined, Don Draperesque Brady eventually sheds the long locks and throws for 5,234 yards – the second most in NFL history.

New England wins 13 games and gets back to the AFC title game.

Once again, Moynahan returns with voodoo dolls in tow; this time at a Marriott in Newton, Massachusetts.

Late in the fourth quarter, with playoff failure once again at hand for the Patriots, Moynahan is arrested in her hotel room for disturbing the peace. Her loud screams throughout the game caught the attention of housekeepers, who notified the authorities.

Finally, in the game’s decisive drive, Brady’s ex-gal pal cursed because she didn’t have a Sterling Moore doll on hand. After all, who the hell was he?

Thus, Moore distracts Lee Evans from catching a game-winning touchdown pass for Baltimore.

Moments later, in one last attempt to stab Vince Wilfork’s doll prior to Billy Cundiff’s game-tying field goal, she is tackled by the Newton Police. Cundiff’s kick drifts wide left.

New England heads back to the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately, Patriot good fortune gave way to the underhanded tactics from the New York Giants yet again.

With the Patriots closing in on the franchise’s fourth Super Bowl, Eli’s wife, Abby, shines a laser pointer into the Brady’s eyes from the Manning luxury suite, causing an errant but catchable throw to Welker, who drops it .

Once again, dirty, underhanded tactics lead to a Giants comeback.  New York foils New England, 21-17.

Gisele screams in postgame to anyone who would listen, “laser pointer or no laser pointer, Wes Welker needs to catch that damn ball.”

THE DARK HIPSTER RISES

Tortured by another Super Bowl screwjob at the hands of Big Blue, Brady changes styles again.

This time, he adopts a hipster approach.

He spends his offseason watching Kobe Bryant and going cliff-diving with the hopes of getting one more shot at his fourth Super Bowl.

Alas, spend some time today to reflect on Tom Brady’s legendary career.

At 35, we will only be graced with a more years of the future Hall of Famer’s quarterback stylings.

Tom Brady’s epic career is certainly one to be cherished – especially, how I remember it.

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