8:30 – The NFL season returns with Dallas and the defending world champion Giants. In a rather Cowboy-ish/Steeler-y move, New York brings out Phil Simms, OJ Anderson, and Michael Strahan to commemorate three previous Super Bowl winners to setup the intro of the Super Bowl champs. Somewhere, Tiki Barber is gnashing his teeth.
8:34 – By the way, CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY KELLY RIPA AND MICHAEL STRAHAN ARE HOSTING A TALK SHOW TOGETHER? And no, “because he’s a Giant and on FOX” is not a suitable answer. Ethel from Bismarck, North Dakota has no clue how Strahan became famous.
It’s single most baffling broadcasting decision since the creation of the deposed The Magic Hour.
8:38 – Queen Latifah, star of Barbershop 2, is singing the National Anthem. Geez, I don’t remember waiting this long to watch the Super Bowl. Let’s get this thing rolling.
8:41 – Finally, football.
8:44 – Giants start up with a three and out from deep in their own territory. Eli had a nice, clean pocket. Captain Salsa drops a potential first down cookie.
8:45 – Tony Romo is on the field, which means Twitter is crafting their nasty Romo tweets as I type this.
8:46 – What doctor cleared Jason Witten to play??????? Dr. Jerry Jones?
8:47 – Three and out for the Boys.
8:52 – A FIRST DOWN! Eli hits Victor Cruz thanks to an illegal pick play. That’s ok. The 26-yard gain makes up for that bogus clipping call against the Giants.
8:53 – Marty B has a couple of catches in this drive. Glad to see he put down that bowl of Captain Crunch to play tonight.
8:57 – David Wilson ends the Captain Crunch drive with a fumble deep in Dallas territory. That’s why rookie runners are a tricky play. Between fumbling and bad pass protection, it’s not a fun proposition normally.
9:00 – All of this cereal talk makes want to get into a bowl of Apple Jacks.
9:02 – I still can’t believe Witten is playing. Totally crazy.
9:05 – Decision time for
Jerry Jones Jason Garrett. A fourth down carry in Giants territory near the NYG 37. Lawrence Vickers’s carry on fourth inches is for not. Turnover on downs. Cue the angry mob.
9:11 – A rather hum-drum first quarter ends with New York on a stroll in Dallas territory. Pardon me. Time for Apple Jacks.
COWBOYS 0, GIANTS 0
9:15 – DeMarcus Ware’s 100th career sack is a doozy. It turns a 1st and 10 into a 2nd and 24…and most importantly, moves the ball back to the NYG 44. Too bad he is on this Dallas team. If not, he might actually get recognized as a great player by causal fans.
9:16 – Ware’s sack breaks New York’s drive. Punt Night In America continues…
9:18 – I’m eating Apple Jacks.
9:18 – Woooah. A Zeus cameo in a Coors Light commercial. These are rough times for Tiny. He recently pled guilty to a mortgage fraud scheme.
9:21 – Romulus takes a delay of game penalty on a 3rd and 3. Did that just really happen!? Come on Tony.
9:22 – Whoomp there it is. Romo gets picked by Michael Boley. Welcome to the season Tony. This next photo is courtesy of NotBillWalton’s Twitter account:
9:25 – The Giants run right, run up the middle, incomplete pass to Cruz (despite Orlando Scandrick playing grab the flag with Cruz). New York’s drive starts on the DAL 1 and leads to only a field goal.
GIANTS 3, COWBOYS 0
9:30 – Remember that time when people ravaged Jerry Reese for standing pat while the Eagles signed the world last offseason?
9:33 – Well, the Dallas offensive line is getting whipped.
9:37 – We see that Manningham play again from SB XLVI. You know, I kind of feel badly for Eli. That’s probably one of the five greatest throws in Super Bowl history and he still gets treated like a second-class citizen. It’s almost as if the Giants didn’t actually win the Super Bowl.
9:39 – Three and out for the Giants. Punt. Back to disrespecting Eli.
9:43 – “It looks like this game is going to come down to Tony Romo.” – CC. Cowboys fans silently weep.
9:44 – As I’m watching this game, it occurs to me I’m in too many fantasy leagues this year. Too many Giants and Cowboys on my team.
9:45 – Dallas approaches the 50 at the two-minute warning.
9:47 – Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning in a lovefest at halftime. I’ll watch this instead…
9:48 – Finally, the Cowboys strike gold on a 38-yard reception by Dez Bryant to Giants 15. We might see a touchdown!
9:51 – ….And we do! Romo to that household name Kevin Ogletree for a 10-yard scoring strike.
COWBOYS 7, GIANTS 3
9:53 – Less Grammys and more football Victor. Another drop by Cruz.
9:54 – A second Ware sack effectively crushes New York’s drive to end the half. Interesting first 30 from Met Life….
HALFTIME: COWBOYS 7, GIANTS 3
10:11 – Dallas opens up the third quarter with the ball…
10:15 – The Dez Rules appear to be working. No strip joints. No milk after 5pm. No caffeine after 11am. It all leads to a first down catch for Bryant into New York soil.
10:16 – OGLETREEEEEEEE!!!! The Dallas Ogletrees extend their lead to 14-3 on a 40-yard TD catch.
COWBOYS 14, GIANTS 3
10:23 – The Giants might want to wake up here…unless we’re in store for another of those epic Romo-y fourth quarters.
10:24 – Replacement refs doing replacement things. Cruz taps a Dallas defender in the back. It’s not essential to the play but he gets flagged anyhow.
10:25 – Here is random but true fantasy football advice from some dude:
10:28 – Domenik Hixon wins a wrestling match downfield on a 39-yard catch to the Dallas 10. New York finally catches a break.
10:29 – Ahmad Bradshaw cleans it up with a 10-yard touchdown run. You didn’t think it’d be that easy did you Cowboys fans?
COWBOYS 14, GIANTS 10
10:35 – DeMarco Murray channels his inner-Barry Sanders for a 48-yard gain. GRAB, GRAB, GRAB. No Giants getting any tackling done.
10:37 – At the NYG 25…an important moment for Dallas. They need this game far more than the Giants, which is a completely ridiculous but true statement in Week 1.
10:40 – Romo takes a sack back to the Giants 15. Then, tries to go to Ogletree in the end zone on third down but the throw is off. Dan Bailey time.
COWBOYS 17, GIANTS 10
10:43 – This game is still in the Romo Zone. That’s not a good thing.
END OF 3RD QUARTER: COWBOYS 17, GIANTS 10
10:49 – Bradshaw drops a third down pass…BUT Jason Hatcher is called for roughing the passer on Easy E.
10:53 – Hatcher giveth and he taketh away with a sack of Manning at the NYG 39. Punt. Cowboys ball.
10:54 – In case you’re wondering about the new Toast of Texas:
10:55 – The strategically placed stat of doom is flashed. The Super Bowl champion has won every Thursday night season opener since that format was adopted in for the 2004 season.
10:57 – Ogletree makes another catch and has over 100 yards receiving on the night. Al Michaels reminds about the missing Miles Austin:
10:59 – Ah yes, on cue. A Miles Austin reception.
11:01 – Romo handles his business like Roger Staubach and completes a pass to Austin again as the Cowboys enter field goal range with under eight minutes remaining.
11:03 – I like what I’m seeing out of Dallas. Except for all of this penalty nonsense.
11:06 – On 1st and 30…Romo to Austin for a 34-yard TD. Woah boy. That might be all she wrote for the Giants tonight.
COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 10
11:11 – The last defending Super Bowl champion to lose its opener? The 1999 Denver Broncos.
11:14 – The Giants on the move into Dallas soil. Victor Cruz drops another…
11:15 – Cruz with three drops tonight. Not a great start for New York’s purported number one receiver.
11:17 – New York faces a 4th and 2 from the Dallas 29.
11:18 – Cruz catches one for a first down and negating an offsides penalty in the process. Under four minutes left…
11:22 – A Captain Crunch TD grab trims the deficit with 2:36 left. We’re still in the Romo Zone…
COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 17
11:25 – Remember when Felix Jones was a thing?
11:26 – Dallas has to be careful here. As they learned last year against the Patriots, conservative leads to NFL death. Under 2:30 left…
11:28 – Run…run….run…HOLD. Hmmm. Here we go. Third and long after the penalty. Just throw it Jason!
11:31 – And they do to Tony’s weapon of choice tonight…
Jason Witten Kevin Ogletree. First down Cowboys. Game over.
11:32 – Tony Romo takes a knee.
11:34 – Fade to black. Cowboys close out the Giants on opening night.
FINAL: COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 17
11:35 – Let’s grab a quick sample of over-reactionary tweets from Dallas fans:
11:37 – On second thought, let’s not.
SUMMARY: As mentioned earlier, Dallas needed to win this game for their own psyche. The Giants lost their opener a season ago. We know how that movie finished. They’ll be back.
The win gives Dallas a much-needed push into the season’s first half. The most important thing for Dallas besides the obvious (Romo) was their secondary play, which was much improved from a season ago when New York torched them in a pair of wins.
New York will another day but tonight belonged to…Kevin Ogletree and the Dallas Cowboys.
On that note, we sign off to The Who:
Until next time…