To paraphrase one of the great philosophers of the 21st century, “I’m about that action, boss.”
LET’S GET IT .
6:15 – SEAHAWKS INTROS…with Kurt Russell talking over Metallica. Hahaha. Kudos to FOX for the “Escape from New York” touch with Russell.
Then, in a curveball they run out to the Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony…hope that’s not a harbinger of things to come.
6:17 – Oh, Kurt Russell is back again to intro the Broncos behind Led Zeppelin. Denver’s offense is great, etc., etc., etc.,
Denver’s intro reminds me of a circus. Complete with loud club music and a horse. Makes sense.
6:22 – Renée Fleming is out for the National Anthem. She can bring it. Good call. All your standard star shots from FOX.
6:26 – “Needed Miss Cyrus there tonight…needed the Twerk Queen.” That’s from my Dad. Oh lord.
6:28 – Joe Namath freaks on the coin toss and false starts it. Coin toss redux gives Denver the ball after Seattle defers.
6:31 – This is Joe’s wardrobe for the night…
6:33 – Trindon Holliday brings it out after being about seven yards deep. Denver backed up at their 14 to start.
6:35 – King Peyton gets crossed up with center Manny Ramirez and he snaps the ball past Peyton on the opening play. Oops. Knowshon Moreno gets tackled in the end zone. That’s the fastest score in Super Bowl history.
SEAHAWKS 2, BRONCOS 0
6:38 – Seattle gets the free kick and rumbles into Denver territory led by a Percy Harvin run. TD would be big here.
6:43 – Apparently, one of the officials is a cousin of Manning because he spots a Wilson run a good yard short after he gets the first down.
6:46 – Pete Carroll loses the challenge…not sure how exactly. Steven Hauschka comes in for clean up duty.
SEAHAWKS 5, BRONCOS 0
6:48 – In other news, Mark Cuban:
6:50 – Denver gets a gift at the 35 after a suspect personal foul call on the Seahawks.
6:53 – Denver goes three and out. Porous looking drive there. Hits and pressure against Denver. Bad sign.
6:54 – Mark Cuban update:
Great job, Mark.
6:59 – Seahawks drive rolls on into Denver territory. Denver clearly waiting Marshawn Lynch on every play.
7:03- Champ Bailey channels his 1973 Willie Mays and gets beat by Doug Baldwin on a long throw into the red zone.
7:04 – Fox challenges that a Harvin play is a backwards pass. Clearly, it’s not but then again, we don’t know with this crew.
7:07 – Jermaine Kearse nearly hauls in a TD pass on 3rd and goal but it’s broken up in the end zone. Another Hauschka field goal.
SEAHAWKS 8, BRONCOS 0
7:11 – Your holiness is intercepted by the Legion of Boom’s Kam Chancellor. That might expedite the request of a porn star to meet the LOB.
7:15 – Here comes America’s slow heel turn on Peyton…
7:16 – Just a terrifying first quarter performance by Denver. Awful.
END OF FIRST QUARTER – SEAHAWKS 8, BRONCOS 0
7:22 – Seattle grabs the INT and scores after an egregious PI on Tony Carter. Hey Tony, you can’t grab a guy with two hands in the end zone AND not play the ball.
7:23 – Just About That Action Boss sets off a Skittles alert around the Seattle area with a 1-yard TD run. Get a slice of that Skittles pie will you?
SEAHAWKS 15, BRONCOS 0
7:37 – I feel Moreno needs to do much more in this…Manning is dead in the water if Denver is a one trick pony.
7:41 – Manning gets pick-sixed after getting pressure. The NFC title game hero Malcolm Smith comes up with the INT for six.
SEAHAWKS 22, BRONCOS 0
7:43 – Tom Brady supporters everywhere after the Smith INT….
7:54 – Denver faced with a 4th and 2 deep in Seattle territory…and Peyton throws an incomplete duck. Seattle ball.
8:00 – We’re at halftime…and this is a bloodbath.
HALFTIME: SEAHAWKS 22, BRONCOS 0
SUMMARY: Welp, we know how this movie ends. Pressure on Manning, turnovers…this is a mix-tape of every bad Peyton Manning playoff game.
8:24 – Max Kellerman, ladies and gentlemen.
8:33 – Welp, if you were hoping for a Denver revival in the second half, you can go to bed now. Percy Harvin just rocked you to sleep with an 87-yard TD return for a score.
SEAHAWKS 29, BRONCOS 0
8:40 – If you’re the GOAT as a QB, can you get shutout in the first half of a Super Bowl, 22-0?
8:48 – With the ball at the Seattle 38, Denver calls a 3rd and 10 draw for a loss of 1…and then punt on 4th. Give up play.
8:50 – Seattle has run 32 plays. 18 runs, 14 passes. Denver hasn’t made them do anything they haven’t wanted to. Very under control but a punt.
8:56 – Denver driving…Demaryius Thomas makes a big catch downfield and then gets the ball punched out. Malcolm Smith makes the recovery. Woe is Denver.
9:04 – Seattle barrels their way downfield and the drive culminates with the worst tackling effort of the postseason. Jermaine Kearse scores on a 23-yard TD reception.
9:06 – Denver’s tackling on that play suggests that they are interested in the new episode of New Girl featuring Prince.
9:09 – In other news, congratulations to Phil Dawson.
9:12 – Thankfully, Denver has scored. No one should get shutout in the Super Bowl. Demaryius Thomas sets a Super Bowl record with a 12th reception that results in Denver’s first score. Welker gets 2. My Dad is very worried about Welker’s safety.
9:13 – “They goin’ to kill that boy.” – Dad.
END OF THIRD QUARTER: SEAHAWKS 36, BRONCOS 8
9:19 – Seattle is back out on offense. Meanwhile, former WWE wrestler Chris Jericho can sympathize with Denver.
9:23 – Look ma, Seattle scored again. This time it’s Doug Baldwin’s turn. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are disgusted at Denver’s defense. Can’t say I blame them.
SEAHAWKS 43, BRONCOS 8
9:33 – Interesting post game development. Richard Sherman goes out with what appears to be a rather serious injury. Had to be carted off. Once again, the football gods always win.
9:34 – Denver goes for it on 4th and 2 and Peyton goes worm killing again.
9:44 – After Seattle opts to take the foot off the gas pedal on fourth down. Denver has looked disinterested in playing for nearly the entire second half.
9:48 – Another awful Broncos drive culminates in a turnover on downs while the Seahawks bring in the human victory cigar for Russell Wilson…Tarvaris Jackson.
9:50 – Two minutes to go…
9:56 – There’s your season folks…Seattle rides off into the sunset with the Vince Lombardi Trophy.
FINAL: SEAHAWKS 43, BRONCOS 8
9:57 – Meanwhile…for the vanquished Broncos, all aboard the Struggle Bus.
SUMMARY: Easily, one of the greatest Super Bowl team performances of all-time goes in favor of the Seattle Seahawks. They whipped Denver in every facet of the game. More on the legacy stuff later this week. If you’re going to say that this game would cement Manning as “the great QB of all-time,” getting boat raced in a Super Bowl can’t be good for that narrative.