In an effort to follow the Eagles on their Manifest destiny of self-purported greatness, I’ll hit the road to enjoy the Delaware Valley on NFL Sundays. Our road show commenced at a poolside bar in South Jersey. 

Week 1: Sicklerville, NJ

The Scene: One of my high school buddies celebrated a birthday at his house and invited friends and family to attend. This was made all the more entertaining because he recently built a outdoor bar to accompany his pool.  A level of awkwardness was added thanks to the number of children in attendance. A bunch of adults cursing at a TV with kids nearby isn’t exactly the best of ideas. 

Menu: Pulled chicken, hot dogs (prepared on a roller), baked ziti, assorted cheeses, pepperoni, dirt, sand, chocolate cake, vanilla cake, nachos w/salsa, and M&M’s. Plus, wine, vodka, and a keg of beer. 

Game: Philadelphia vs. Cleveland on opening day with Michael Vick already beaten up after minimal preseason work and 28-year-old rookie Brandon Weeden. Sounds like a football disaster to me. 

Perhaps this will sound like a bizarre concept but I’ve found fellow Eagles fans far more entertaining during times of duress. When the Eagles are kicking tail on the reg, the fans become a little duller, a little less entertaining. For whatever reason, a cross-section of Eagles fans prosper and thrive off of the team’s woes. Alas, that’s why Phiadelphia sports-talk radio host Garry Cobb coined the phrase “Negadelphia” after the city’s “glass is half-empty” approach to fandom.

That sets the table for Week 1’s events.

Philadelphia stumbled and bumbled their way through most of the first half, compiling nearly 300 yards of offense but only amassing three points until the waning moments of the second quarter.

As if what I actually want matters to the NFL universe, I fired off the following text to a friend:

Me: You better fix this. Playing like —-.

Seconds later, Jeremy Maclin hauled in a dart from Vick to give the Eagles a 10-3 halftime lead, along with a return text.

Friend: FIXED!!!

Unfortunately, there was more fixing left to be done despite Philadelphia’s seven-point lead. Of course, Vick’s lackluster play led to usual over-reactionary diatribe from the bar crowd.

“We’re gonna lose 23-3 next week!!!!!!!”

“Vick is playing just like McNabb!!!!”

“AHHLREJRELJRRLEJRLJRLJRJDLSJ!!!!!”

“Maclin wouldn’t drop that pass if it was a $2 beer at Adelphia’s!”

The tension, intensified by the attendees engulfing copious amounts of beer, became palpable.

Naturally, the best part of this scene are the wives trying to watch their kids, watch the game, watch their husbands, and then, yell at their husbands.

“YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT TO HAVE ANOTHER HOT DOG! THAT’S IT.”

Ah, the wonders of marriage.

Most Eagles fans in attendance were on edge thanks to what appeared to be another flop in a long line of disappointing and frustrating efforts during the Andy Reid era.

Finally, late in the fourth quarter it happened. No, no, no. Not Michael Vick’s go-ahead touchdown pass but rather another late-game drive…to fall asleep.

One of the poolside patrons, who we’ll call J, fell asleep at the bar while looking at his phone; becoming bored with Philadelphia’s uninspiring play.

His nap coincided with the Eagles getting the football back at their own nine to start what turned out to be the game’s decisive drive.

My high school friends are married with kids but still know how to brutally antagonize folks if necessary. With Vick and the Eagles driving, my pals went into attack mode.

After taking a few minutes to cackle, they took J’s phone out his hand and replaced it with a hot dog.

As one can imagine, it didn’t take long for the phones to come out:

Incredibly, these are the actions of men in their early 30s with children.

The camera phones snapped away and J was still asleep. Meanwhile, the Eagles finally awoke from their nearly game-long slumber.

Finally, with the Eagles closing in on the lead, J woke up in time to give everyone the finger and see Clay Harbor catch the game-winning touchdown pass from Vick.

Despite the Eagles committing five turnovers and playing dreadful football for three quarters, the season wasn’t over as we loudly suggested moments prior to Harbor’s score.

Indeed, Operation Dynasty was back on.

Next up, Jumpin’ Joe Flacco, Ray Lewis, and the Baltimore Ravens.

Protect ya neck.

FINAL SCORE: EAGLES 17, BROWNS 16