Valentine’s Week is here. Stay tuned for hi-jinx related to relationships and other assorted tales and tips. Our first stop takes a look at the condition of man and what you need to avoid on Valentine’s Day.
I could run this list out to 100, but here is a basic look at things dudes should avoid doing on Valentine’s Day…or most other days for that matter.
1. The Notebook – If a young lady drags you into this venture claiming it’s a romantic love story, run.
2. BaseballReference.com – Don’t let the smooth taste fool you. Just because there are female baseball fans, don’t assume they want to hear about VORP, WAR, or BABIP. In fact, if those words leave your mouth in a discussion with a female…well, you get what you get.
3. Sweatpants – It’s the equivalent of throwing in the towel in boxing or wrestling. It’s the universal “I’m quitting the day” wear. Plus, I don’t think any guy has worn a pair since 2003. Don’t put these on at any point of the day.
4. The Friends Zone – Dude, the female friend you’ve been pining over for a decade since high school isn’t in to you.
5. Fatal Attraction – You will never look at females and rabbits the same ever again. I’M NOT GONNA BE IGNORED!!!!
6. Pre-gaming – Getting drunk for three hours and THEN going out is likely to result in a visit in an argument with your significant other, bad Facebook photos, vomiting, a potentially arrest, or all three. Otherwise, it sounds like an ingenious idea.
7. Facebook – Avoid status messages about the constant nuances of your dating life, especially following a date. It might give the appearance of being needy…and crazy.
8. Dave Matthews Band – I’ve been to a few Dave concerts in my day but guys can do better. Try Luther Vandross, Barry White, Marvin Gaye, or Prince to impress the ladies.
9. Coldplay – Nothing says your date/weekend was a complete bust quite like heading home to fire up Coldplay’s iTunes Essentials collection. Most depressing band ever.
10. Any John Cusack movie – For some reason, he is the female blind spot. Whatever you’re doing, John Cusack will make you look worse.
11. Twitter – Months ago, Gilbert Arenas live tweeted one of his dates. I’m guessing they still aren’t together.
12. The Love Emoticon ♥ – Apparently, guys use this now in online conversation. When/why did this become a thing?!
13. Titanic – Yeah, the boat sinks. You don’t need to see Leo and Kate.
14. Wearing sunglasses indoors – Unless you have the Jim McMahon/Tony Sparano eye condition, you’re not Kool Moe Dee or Kanye. Leave the shades at home. You’re not a celebrity.
15. Buying chocolates – That was a great idea in 1956. Come up with something new.
16. ProFootballReference.com – See #2. Also, it’s unlikely your girlfriend or love interest wants to hear about the 1975 San Francisco 49ers.
17. Cell phones at dinner – Your bro can wait. So can your ESPN app. That’s why DVR’s are here too.
18. The Backdoor Play – This can be applied to #4 as well. I’ve seen this one in action a time or 10,000. Guy A likes Girl A. Guy A has been working on Girl A for months and following her around, playing the buddy routine. Guy A figures Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to express his undying devotion for Girl A. Woops. She is into someone else and of course, you’re both upset because your “friendship” has been compromised after admitting your feelings. Don’t worry. When she dislikes her new boyfriend after a month, you’ll be in her top three to call when she needs someone to complain too. Oh, you will not be the rebound guy either. Thanks for playing.
19. How I Met Your Mother – If you watch this show (I do), ignore nearly everything Ted Mosby does.
20. Posting song lyrics on social media – Check this out…
You never saw my face
I traced your path each day
We could be always together
Now I watch you bleed
You had all I need
How I love you so
Now we’ll never know
If I can’t have you
You would think I’m a real creeper if this was my Facebook status, correct? Avoid song lyrics. They make you look like a stalker, not a philosopher.
21. Chronic Post-Date Texting – Yes, you both made it home safely. Yes, you both are going to have a goodnight. No, you don’t need to alert her what channel you’re watching at 1:35 in the morning. And no, don’t be offended if she stops texting you. After all, people got to sleep.
22. Texting all your lady friends on Valentine’s Day – Sounds like a good idea in theory if you’re trying to lay out plans for the evening. What if five of them respond? Yeah, good luck with that.
23. Ex stories – Believe it or not, sometimes women don’t want to consistently hear about what happened before them…unless it’s applicable or they ask (this applies to you too ladies). No need to mention the girl you met at the bar for $1 Bud Lights five years ago.
24. The Dinner, Pay, & Hug Deal – We’ve danced this dance before. I’m against the “heavy duty dinner, pay for it all, and then pray that something cool happens at the end of the date” type of date. It only leads to a hug and disappointment. This reminds me. Leave your house with emergency money! You never know…someone might put a boot on your car while you’re out having a good time.
25. New Girl – Zooey Deschanel is cute but that show turns men into buffoons quite like no other before it. Deschanel’s ,male roommates make Dawson Leery look like Clint Eastwood.
Categories: Random Nonsense